Friends英文剧本

jjean

Poc-o-nos

指什么捏 [M20]

兴高彩烈

不懂， [M20]

看这些东西偶都是不求甚解的，反正对理解剧情没有影响呀， [M24]

天堂鸟

谢谢CC [M29]

兴高彩烈

用得着就好， [M03]

兴高彩烈

同学们都学习到第几集啦？常常来交流一下心得哦， [M05]

兴高彩烈

第十四集：

The One With the Candy Hearts

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Written by: Bill Lawrence
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips


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[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]

Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.

Ross: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.

Chandler: Any contact?

Ross: She lent me an egg once.

Joey: You're in!

Ross: Aw, right.

Woman: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Hey. (stutters something incoherent)

Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian—I don't think we need a third...

Joey: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks.

Ross: An egg?

Joey: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."

Chandler: I think it's winning.

Ross: I think it's insane.

Chandler: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.

(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)

Joey: Think it'll work?

Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful woman.]

Monica: You can not do this.

Rachel: Do what, do what?

Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.

Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?

Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!

Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do.

Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.

Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...

Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.

Chandler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a...

Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, but—come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this.

Ross: Hi. She said yes.

Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?

[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.]

Joey: (Looking at himself in the reflection on a knife) How do I look?

Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.

Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.

Chandler: ...And what did you bring?

Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.

Chandler: Janice?

(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.)

Janice: Oh.... my.... God.

Chandler: (angrily) Hey, it's Janice.

[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler and Joey are talking.]

Chandler: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window.

Joey: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down.

Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months!

Joey: (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.]

Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.

Monica: Which one was Pete Carney?

Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. (imitating) "Was it good for you?"

Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months—I didn't get to win once.

Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!

Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.

Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.

Monica: There's more beer, right?

Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.

Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.

Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?

Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.

Rachel: Or?

Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.

Monica: Burning's good.

Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.

[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.]

Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes.

Joey: Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?

Janice: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.

Chandler: That's OK.

Janice: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.

(Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.)

Joey: (to Lorraine) We can't do that.

Chandler: (disgusted) What? What can't you do?

Joey: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there?

(Chandler and Joey leave the table.)

Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now.

Chandler: Tell me it's "you and me" we.

Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.

Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me.

Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.

Lorraine: (to waiter) Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?

Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler.

Chandler: I hope she throws up on you.

(Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.)

Chandler: So...

Janice: Just us.

Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night!

Janice: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom.

Chandler: Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him) How ya doin'?

Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?

Chandler: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?

Janice: I will go for that drink.

Chandler: You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns around, it's a man) Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?

Janice: Each.

Chandler: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Janice) I've always wanted to know...

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand on his chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]

Janice: Happy Valentine's Day!

Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is trying to get Janice out of his apartment.]

Janice: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened?

Chandler: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.

Janice: Kiss me!

(Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.}

Monica: Oh, Chandler, sorry.

(Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.)

Monica: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.

Janice: Hi, Monica.

Chandler: Ok, well, this was very special.

Monica: Rach, come see who's out here!

(Rachel comes out.)

Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi!

Chandler: Janice is gonna go away now.

Monica: I'll be right back.

(Joey enters from the stairs.)

Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is.

Joey: (in disbelief) Whoa.

Chandler: Oh, good, Joey's home now.

Janice: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall.

(Monica comes out with her cordless phone.)

Monica: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. (to Chandler) He just happened to call.

Janice: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? (she laughs obnoxiously)

[Scene: A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there with his date.]

Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.)

Kristin: That's funny. Who are they?

Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend.

Kristin: You mean they're lovers.

Ross: If you wanna put a label on it.

Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?

Ross: Nope, nope, that's it.

(Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.)

Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]

Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.

Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.

Phoebe: Um, that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.

Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Monica: Can we just start throwing things in?

Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in) Oh, OK.

Rachel: (tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.

Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.

Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.

Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater.

Monica: No.

Rachel and Phoebe: Eww!

Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.

Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure...

(Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice again.]

Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?

Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.

Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.

(Janice enters.)

Janice: Hello, funny Valentine.

Chandler: Hi, Just Janice.

Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna!

(Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.)

Joey: (to Chandler) If you don't do it, I will.

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.]

Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living?

Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..(Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.

Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.

Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry. (Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.)

Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.

Kristin: (reluctantly) I guess.

Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?

Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.]

Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?

Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what looks like a half-charred picture—Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!

Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.

Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.

Fireman No. 1: You're our third call tonight.

Rachel: Really?

Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.

[Scene: Central Perk.]

Janice: I brought you something.

Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the candy) Chan and Jan Forever.

Janice: I had them made special.

Chandler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out.

Janice: That's fine.

Chandler: (surprised) It is?

Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.

Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is.

Janice: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.

Chandler: Oh, no I don't.

Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?

Chandler: I did, but...

Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.

(She kisses him passionately,then leaves.)

Chandler: Call me!

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]

Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.

Ross: You did so. I swear, I swear—(noticing Kristin's absence) How long has she been in the bathroom?

Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.

Ross: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had in 9 years.

Carol: That could be it.

Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the grill) You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.)

Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny

Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.

(They kiss.)

Carol: Oh, I love you too. But...

Ross: No but, no but.

Carol: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you.

Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one already.

Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.

(A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.)

Carol: Not her.

Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The girls are talking with the firemen.]

Fireman No. 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?

Rachel: So, um, will you bring the truck?

Fireman No. 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.

Rachel: Oh, my god.

Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works!

Monica: They're nice guys.

Rachel: Oh, they're firemen guys.

[Scene: Out in the hall, the firemen are talking.]

Fireman No. 1: You guys tell them you were married?

Fireman No. 2: No way!

Fireman No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them!

End

兴高彩烈

Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her.

看到这里才知道，原来egg还有"怂恿"的意思， [M04]

兴高彩烈

继续学习：第十五集

The One With the Stoned Guy

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Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
Transcribed by: Ruth Curran
Converted to HTML: by Dan Silverstein


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[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.]

Rachel: (to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: Thank you.

Rachel: (to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.)

Ross: Grazie.

Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)

Monica: Aww, thank you. (Notices something.) Uh Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Monica: Why does my cinamon stick have an eraser?

Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) I'm sorry!

(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)

Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]

Woman: Chandler.

Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.

Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day.

Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...

(Chandler comes in.)

Chandler: Hey!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be really good.

Ross: What's going on?

All: What is it?

Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.

All: That's great!

Chandler: So.... I quit.

All: Why?

Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!

Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.

Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.

Phoebe: So was it a lot more money?

Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.

(Everyone looks at him, confused.)

Rachel: ... the WENUS?

Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.

Joey: So what're you going to do?

Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there.

Phoebe: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? (pause) Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.

Monica: (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi there.

Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....

Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

Phoebe: (to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah!

Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for?

Phoebe: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu.

Monica: (excited) Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think?

Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.

Phoebe: OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?

Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."

Rachel: Career counselor?

Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.

Rachel: I don't!

Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.

Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.

(Monica enters, excited.)

Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life!

Phoebe: Ooh! Brian's Song!

Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great?

Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.

Rachel: What are you going to make?

Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Yummy noises.

Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to make?

Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!

Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down)

Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?

Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Chandler: Who are you going out with?

Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?

Rachel: (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross.

Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum.

Rachel: So what are you guys going to do?

Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.

Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.

Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?

Ross: Well, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... but I'm hoping (gestures) huh-huh.

Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from Celia's hair, and she is screaming, trying to get him off.]

Ross: Celia, don't worry! Don't scream! He's not going to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel...

Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my...

Ross: Alright... (lifts Marcel away)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.]

Monica: (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.

Joey: (tasting) Mmmm. Good.

Monica: Is it better than the other salmon mousse?

Joey: It's creamier.

Monica: Yeah, well, is that better?

Joey: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know?

(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)

Rachel: My God! What happened to you?

Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."

Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!

Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something.

Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!

Monica: (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go, maybe this'll cheer you up.

Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.

Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche.

Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...

(Phone rings. Monica answers it.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Wendy! (Listens) Yeah, eight o'clock. (Listens) What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?... (Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All right, I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)

Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what?

Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out.

Rachel: (hurt) Waitressing?

Joey: Uh-oh.

Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but...

Rachel: But, but?

Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.

Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.

Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]

Celia: Talk to me.

Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...

Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty.

Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?

Celia: Yes...

Ross: Ah....

Celia: Say something..... hot.

Ross: (panicked) Er.... um.....

Celia: What?

Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night.]

Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?

Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.

Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times??

Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?

Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me.

Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.

Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.

Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...

Joey: ....yeah... what else?

Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks across room)

Joey: (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll start, OK?

Ross: Joey, please.

Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a low voice) Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.

Ross: (impressed) Wow.

Joey: Alright, now you say something.

Ross: I... ahem... I really don't think so.

Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: You want to see her again, right?

Ross: Sure.

Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!

Ross: OK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback) I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.

Joey: (turning around) Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead.

Ross: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.

Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!

Ross: I, er...

(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)

Ross: I want to take my tongue... and...

(Chandler is completely astounded.)

Ross: ....and....

Joey: Say it... say it!

Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...

(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)

Chandler: (smiling)....with??

Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny story!

Joey: You're not going to believe this!

Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.

Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.

Chandler: Again?

Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler) And again.

Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)

[Scene: Chandler's new window office, he is showing Phoebe around.]

Chandler: Well?

Phoebe: (excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.

Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)

Phoebe: Oh! You have a window!

Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...

Phoebe: Oh look! That guy's peeing!

Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.

Phoebe: (sitting) OK.

Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment?

(An unamused woman walks into the office.)

Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all.

(She leaves, obviously perturbed.)

Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation.]

Monica: (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a deal! (Listens) Yeah, you promised! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up)

Rachel: Who was that?

Monica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.

Rachel: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks away towards the door)

Monica: Ten dollars an hour.

Rachel: No.

Monica: Twelve dollars an hour.

Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.

Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... (Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty dollars an hour.

Rachel: Done.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in with Steve (Crystal Duck winner Jon Lovitz).]

Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat?

Monica: Hi Steve!

Steve: Hello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter girl.

Monica: (to Steve) This is Rachel.

Steve: (unconcerned) Yeah, OK.

Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of (Monica signals her to stop) of, OK, smells.

Steve: It's a lovely apartment.

Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?

Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright.

(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow them but Phoebe stops her and drags her into the kitchen.)

Rachel: What's up?

Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?

Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK.

Steve: (from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks his lips)

Rachel: Let me, let me get you some wine!

Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. (Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray) OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce... (Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and... (he finishes)... ginger.

Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!

Monica: I'm so glad you liked them!

Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them!

Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.

Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning. (he gets up and goes into the kitchen)

Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?

Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.

(Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it.)

Steve: (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells! (Rachel motions, "You see!") You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope.

Monica: (joining him and taking the taco shells) You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite.

Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs the cereal box)

Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes...

Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!

Monica: No, we don't. (reaches for box)

Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry. (When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet.)

Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? (he sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.) OK... give me the Gummi-bears.

Steve: (childishly) No.

Monica: Give them to me.

Steve: Alright, we'll share.

Monica: No, give me the...

Steve: Well then you can't have any. (she grabs for the package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table.) Bear overboard! I think he's drowning. (he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl) Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save yourself! (Mimicking the bears) "Help! I'm drowning! Help!"

Monica: (furious) That's it! Dinner is over!

Steve: What?

Monica: What?

Steve: Why?

Monica: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet?

(The oven goes off.)

Steve: (excited) Hey!

[Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.]

Joey: What a tool!

Rachel: You don't want to work for a guy like that.

Ross: Yeah!

Monica: I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... it.

Ross: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef.

Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.

(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)

Joey: (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?

Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable.

Joey: All right, Ross!

Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.

Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?

Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...

Joey: You cuddled.

Ross: Yeah, which was nice.

Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something?

Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?

Joey: Yeah, where the hell is he?

[Scene: Chandler's office, he's on the phone, agitated.]

Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....

Closing Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's massage parlour, she has Steve on the table, and is giving him an extra-painful massage.]

Phoebe: How's this? (presses down hard)

Steve: Eeeee!

Phoebe: Sorry. How about over here? (presses down hard again)

Steve: Aaaaah!

Phoebe: See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? (presses down elsewhere)

Steve: No.

Phoebe: What about this? (she starts using her elbows on his back, he yells in pain)

Steve: Aaaaahhh!!

Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to work him over with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)

End

兴高彩烈

Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?

这一句可以学起来。当客人第一次来到你家，可以这样问对方是不是要参观一下， [M03]

兴高彩烈

第十六集：

The One With Two Parts, part 1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Marta Kauffman and David Crane.
Transcribed by: Tennant Stuart and Mindy Mattingly.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Rift's Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]

Chandler: This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now.

(Ursula Buffay, Phoebe's identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)

Joey: There's the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?

(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)

Chandler: It's Phoebe! Hi!

(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)

Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?

Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?

Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I'm here.

Joey: No, no... how come you are working here?

Ursula: Right, yeah, 'cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.

Chandler: Can we start over?

Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I'm gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)

Chandler & Joey: No, no, no!

Opening Credits

[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]

Ross: I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.

Rachel: No, yeah, I've done that.

Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.

Rachel: I've never done that.

(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shop's sign—a large steaming cup of coffee.)

Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister.

Joey: I'm sayin' I see a difference.

Chandler: They're twins!

Joey: I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's... hot!

(Joey and Chandler come indoors.)

Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Let's not do that any more.

(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)

All: Hey guys! Hey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: Morly Safer.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!

Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.

Chandler: Your sister Ursula.

Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...

Phoebe: Rift's. Yeah, I know.

Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven't talked in like years.

Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?

Joey: Not from where I was standin'.

Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?

Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don't get along?

Phoebe: It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"

Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry, I've got to go. I've got Lamaze class.

Chandler: Oh, and I've got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.

Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?

Ross: No, Susan's gonna be there too. We've got dads, we've got lesbians, the whole parenting team.

Rachel: Well, isn't, isn't that gonna be weird?

Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I'm pretty comfortable with the whole situation.

Monica: Ross, that's my jacket.

Ross: I know.

(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)

[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, who's got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]

Woman: Hi, we're the Rostins. Err, I'm J.C., and he's Michael, and we're having a boy, and a girl.

Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?

Ross: Hi, um, I'm err, (has to clear his throat) I'm Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carol's bulge) ..that's, that's my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol's, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..who's next?

Teacher: I'm sorry, I didn't get... Susan is?

Ross: Susan is Carol's, Carol's, Carol's, friend...

Carol: Life partner.

Ross: Like buddies.

Susan: Like lovers.

Ross: You know how close women can get.

(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)

Carol: Susan and I live together.

Ross: Although I was married to her.

Susan: Carol, not me.

Ross: Err, right.

Carol: It's a little complicated.

Ross: A little.

Susan: But we're fine.

Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! That's like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.

[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]

(Helen's buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)

Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.

Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.

Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in.

(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the door.)

Nina: Hi.

Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in.

Nina: You wanted to see me?

Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I've just been going over your data here, and little thing, you've been post-dating your Friday numbers.

Nina: Which is bad, because?

Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.

Nina: Your... excuse me?

Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...

Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus."

(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he's lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that he's thinking correctly...)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]

Chandler: It's not just that she's cute, okay. It's just that... she's really really cute.

Ross: It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen in the company ink.

(Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.)

Monica: Ross, your little creature's got the remote again.

Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...

(Marcel points the remote at Monica's television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)

Monica: Great.

Ross: Relax, I'll fix it.

Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?

Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?

(Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their welcome.)

Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's... but obviously someone forgot.

Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica's note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?

(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)

Chandler: Hey, where you been?

Joey: I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.

Chandler: Score.

Joey: She is so hot!

Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah?

Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?

Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that? Why?

Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there.

Phoebe: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we've grown apart, so, um... I don't know, why not? Okay.

Joey: Cool, thanks.

(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)

Ross: You okay?

Phoebe: Yeah I'm fine.

Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?

(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)

[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins' pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]

Ross: Sorry.

Ross: Hi. Sorry I'm late. Where's, where's Carol?

Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I'll get the information.

Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what's going on.

Susan: Oh, good. This'll be fun.

Teacher: Alrighty. We're gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don't you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy's head.

(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)

Ross and Susan: What? What? What?

Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy?

Ross: Okay, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time.

Susan: Look, I don't see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I'm a woman.

Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?

Susan: I will flip you for it.

Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!

Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom.

(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan's lap like all the other fathers.)

Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.

(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)

Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.

(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.]

Chandler: Mr. D, how's it going, sir?

Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.

Chandler: And?

Mr. Douglas: It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Mr. Douglas: Well, we're gonna be layin' off people in every department.

Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very –

Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?

[Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.]

Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina.

(She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.)

Nina: Are you okay?

Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please don't hate me.

Nina: (Taking her hand away) What?

Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime?

(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]

Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?

Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.

Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?

Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.

Rachel: Ooh, okay... good.

(Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.)

Jamie: What is this place?

Fran: Look, you're cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..there's a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?

(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)

Jamie: I think we have an answer.

Fran: What's she doing here?

Jamie: This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home.

Fran: Think she got fired at Riff's?

Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies' bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?

Fran: I'm gonna wait till after we order. It's her, right.

Jamie: It looks like her.

(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)

Jamie: Um, excuse me.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Jamie: Hi, it's us.

Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it's me.

Jamie: So, so you're here too?

Phoebe: Much as you are.

Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.

Fran: Err... we know what we want.

Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that's good.

Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.

Fran: And some biscotti cookies.

Phoebe: Good choice.

(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won't see the face she pulls, and sits down.)

Jamie: Definitely her.

Fran: Yeah.

Commercial break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]

(Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.)

Monica: I can't believe you. You still haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job yet?

Chandler: Well, you still haven't taken down the Christmas lights.

Monica: Congratulations, I think you've found the world's thinnest argument.

Chandler: I'm just trying to find the right moment, you know?

Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating. (Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, you're fired, but how 'bout a quickie before I go to work?"

(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)

Joey: Hey.

Rachel and Chandler: Hey.

(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)

Chandler: You know, once you're inside, you don't have to knock any more.

Monica: I'll get it.

(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)

Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.

Mr.Heckles: You're doing it again.

Monica: We're not doing anything. We're just sitting around talking, quietly.

Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can't sleep.

Rachel: You don't even have cats.

Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.

Monica: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.

Rachel: We'll try to keep it down.

(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)

Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.

Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...

Joey: Oh, no no no. It's for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.

Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the bag) ..okay, it fits.

(The others have been taking all this in.)

Rachel: Are you seein' her again tonight?

Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.

Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.

Joey: I don't know. I like her, you know. She's different. There's uh, somethin' about her.

Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!

(The circle freezes in apprehension.)

Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.

Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it's not okay.

Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I'm not okay with it not being okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)

Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!

(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling Chandler's wool.)



[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandler's boss opens the door.]

Chandler: And that's the Chrysler Building right there.

Mr. Douglas: Nina.

Nina: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.

(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler's expression of alarm & guilt.)

Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Nina's shapely departure) She's still here.

Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn't I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.

(Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to remember anything to do with schizophrenia....)

Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.

Mr. Douglas: You're kidding? She seems so...

Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.

Mr. Douglas: That's unbelievable.

Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.

Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what's goin' on inside a person's head.

Chandler: Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir.

(Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but turning to follow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling the truth, since he would not have any personal interest in the girl, would he?)

[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan's lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]

Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.

Teacher: Lights please? And that's having a baby. Next week is our final class.

(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol's doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)

Ross: Susan, go deep.

(Susan just glares back, as Ross's inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)

Carol: This is impossible. It's just impossible.

Susan: What is, honey?

Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin' that. It's just gonna have to stay in, that's all, everything will be the same, it'll just stay in.

Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything's gonna be alright.

Carol: (Turning on Ross) OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? NO-ONE'S GOING UP TO YOU AND SAYING, "HI, IS THAT YOUR NOSTRIL? MIND IF WE PUSH THIS POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"

Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.

(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)

Susan: I know it's frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it's over, we're all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.

(Ross is staring blankly into space.)

Susan: I mean, that's what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?

[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]

Ross: I'm gonna be a father.

Rachel: This is just occurring to you?

Ross: I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.

Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you're gonna be great!

Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?

Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.

(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)

Phoebe: Where're you going?

Joey: Out.

Phoebe: With?

Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.

Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question?

(Joey nods his head.)

Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?

Joey: Well, not that it's any of your business, but, no, we haven't, okay?

(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)

Joey: You meant sex, right?

(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they're not there.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]

Nina: Do you have a sec?

Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What's up?

Nina: I don't know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.

Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that's because they're ah... jealous, of us.

Nina: Maybe. But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors.

Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that's, ah, because you're getting a big raise.

Nina: I am?

Chandler: Sure, why not?

Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You're amazing!

Chandler: Oh, you don't know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise?

Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel?

Nina: What?

Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me?

(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]

Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.

Rachel: Oh, how'd she take it?

Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if you're ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.

Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.

(Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)

Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can't, I can't watch.

Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they're gone.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Are you alright?

Phoebe: Yeah. It's just, you know, it's this whole stupid Ursula thing, it's...

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?

Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I'm not saying she's like evil or anything. She just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?

Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.

Phoebe: Well, but that's what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn't even talk to me any more. Because he said he didn't wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.

Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.

Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...

Chandler: You're not gonna lose him.

Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.

Ross: No, come on, he doesn't know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.

Phoebe: But he's falling in love with her.

Rachel: Oh please, they've been going out a week. They haven't even slept together yet, I mean, that's not serious.

Phoebe: Okay... Okay.

(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.

(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey's apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey's shirts.)

Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.

(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)

Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]

Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It's freezing out here. Would you come back inside?

Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the top of a pole) ..I'm takin' 'em down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.)

(Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)

Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!

(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)

Rachel: (To Monica) I'm okay! I'm okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?

Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.

End

兴高彩烈

可怜的Pheeb... ...

cat_wang94

真的非常感谢CC！！！ [M29] [M29] [M29]

兴高彩烈

都说不用客气了， [M04]

经常看看，阅读的速度好像是快一点了， [M24]

天文数字

[M34] 说我要是这次顺利过了翻译考试,就送我一套老友记.以我的复习状况看,我是不指望了 [M41] [M07]

mandyfeng

哈哈哈哈,我也要考一个关于英文是试啊,但我发觉生活中的英文好像跟我们要考试写的用的区别很大啊. [M16]
其实能说与写之间区别总是很大,不知道是不是因为是外语的原因,还是我的大脑对这个 [M18]