《Twilight 暮光之城Ⅰ——暮色》 （中英文对照·完结）

阿汤哥

“完全肯定，爸爸。还有，冰箱里的鱼少得有点危险——我们只剩下可吃两年，或者三年的存量了。”

“你能撑得过去的，贝拉。”他笑了起来。

“对你我也可以这样说。”我说着，大笑起来。我的笑声有些突兀，但他没注意到。我为欺骗他而深感内疚，几乎就要采纳爱德华的建议，告诉他要去那里了。只是几乎。

晚饭后，我把衣服叠好，又放了一堆进烘干机。不幸的是，这种工作只能让手忙着。我的脑子依然无所事事，于是它完全失控了。我在两种念头间动荡不安着，一方面我的期望是如此的强烈以致于这种感觉几近痛苦，而另一方面一种潜伏着的恐惧正蚕食着我的决心。我不得不一再地提醒自己，我已经作出了我的选择，而且我不打算回头。我太过频繁地把他的字条从口袋里拿出来看，汲取着他所写的两个小小的字。他希望我平安，我一遍又一遍地告诉自己。我只需要坚信着这一点，最终，这个渴望将战胜一切别的念头。而我的另一个选择——把他从我的生活里剔除掉又会怎么样呢？这将是我生命中不能承受之痛。此外，从我来到福克斯时起，他就已经成为了我的生命中的一切。 但在我心底的一个小小的声音在担心着，想知道这会不会非常地让人受创……如果结局不好的话。

当时间已经太晚，已经到了睡觉时间的时候，我很是宽慰。我知道自己太紧张，根本没法睡着，所以我做了一件我从没做过的事。我故意吃了点感冒药，尽管我并不需要——这种药片能让我昏睡过去，好好地睡上八个小时。正常情况下我不会宽恕自己的这种行为，但明天的情况已经够复杂的了，我没有必要在所有别的事情之外，再雪上加霜地让自己因为睡眠不足而昏昏沉沉。在我等着药物生效的时候，我擦着自己洗得干干净净的头发，直到它直得无懈可击为止，然后焦躁不安地准备好明天要穿的衣服。等到一切为明天做的准备都做完以后，我终于躺到了床上。我感到既兴奋又紧张。我没法停止翻来覆去。我起身在用力装CD的鞋盒里翻找着，直到我找到一张肖邦的小夜曲合辑。我让它安静地播放着，然后又躺下了，全神贯注地放松我身体的某些特定部分。在进行到这种练习的某个地方时，感冒药生效了，我愉快地陷入了昏睡之中。

==================================

"Absolutely, Dad. Besides, the freezer is getting dangerously low on fish
— we're down to a two, maybe three years' supply."

"You're sure easy to live with, Bella." He smiled.

"I could say the same thing about you," I said, laughing. The sound of my
laughter was off, but he didn't seem to notice. I felt so guilty for
deceiving him that I almost took Edward's advice and told him where I
would be. Almost.

After dinner, I folded clothes and moved another load through the dryer.
Unfortunately it was the kind of job that only keeps hands busy. My mind
definitely had too much free time, and it was getting out of control. I
fluctuated between anticipation so intense that it was very nearly pain,
and an insidious fear that picked at my resolve. I had to keep reminding
myself that I'd made my choice, and I wasn't going back on it. I pulled
his note out of my pocket much more often than necessary to absorb the
two small words he'd written. He wants me to be safe, I told myself again
and again. I would just hold on to the faith that, in the end, that
desire would win out over the others. And what was my other choice — to
cut him out of my life? Intolerable. Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it
really seemed like my life was about him.

But a tiny voice in the back of my mind worried, wondering if it would
hurt very much… if it ended badly.

I was relieved when it was late enough to be acceptable for bedtime. I
knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done
before. I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the kind that
knocked me out for a good eight hours. I normally wouldn't condone that
type of behavior in myself, but tomorrow would be complicated enough
without me being loopy from sleep deprivation on top of everything else.
While I waited for the drugs to kick in, I dried my clean hair till it
was impeccably straight, and fussed over what I would wear tomorrow. With
everything ready for the morning, I finally lay in my bed. I felt hyper;
I couldn't stop twitching. I got up and rifled through my shoebox of CDs
until I found a collection of Chopin's nocturnes. I put that on very
quietly and then lay down again, concentrating on relaxing individual
parts of my body. Somewhere in the middle of that exercise, the cold
pills took effect, and I gladly sank into unconsciousness.

阿汤哥

我醒得很早，幸亏我无端的服用药物，我一夜无梦酣眠。虽然我休息得很好，我还是立刻陷入了昨晚那种头脑发热的狂乱中。我急急忙忙地穿上衣服，抚平脖子上的衣领，不停地摆弄那件棕褐色的毛衣直到它稳稳当当地盖过我的牛仔裤为止。我鬼鬼祟祟地向窗外看了一眼，看见查理已经走了。一层絮状的薄云遮蔽了天空。它们看上去不会持续太久的。

我食不知味地吃完了早餐，然后赶紧去把碗洗干净。我又一次向窗口偷看，但什么都没有改变。我刚刚刷完牙，回到楼下的时候，一阵安静的敲门声响了起来，我的心脏宛如小鸟一般在我的肋骨筑成的笼子里砰然乱撞。

我飞奔到门口，在打开那个简单的插销时遇到了一点困难，但我最终把门拉开了，而他就在那里。当我看到他的脸的那一刻，所有的兴奋都烟消云散了，被平静取而代之。我如释重负地松了一口气——他在这里，昨天的恐惧显得非常荒谬。

起初他并没有微笑——他的脸色很严峻。但在他上上下下地把我检查了一遍以后，他的神情明朗起来，他笑了。

“早上好。”他轻笑着说。

“怎么了？”我低头审视着，确认自己没有忘记任何重要的细节，比方说鞋子，或者裤子。

“我们很般配。”他又笑了起来。我意识到他穿了一件长长的浅棕褐色毛衣，底下穿了一件白色的衬衫，还有蓝色的牛仔裤。我和他一起笑了起来，藏住了一阵隐秘的后悔的刺痛——为什么他就非得看上去像个时装模特，而我却不能呢？

在我锁门的时候，他向卡车走去。他在乘客门那儿等着，脸上写着很容易读懂的受难的表情。

“我们约好的。”我沾沾自喜地提醒他，爬进驾驶座，伸出手给他打开门。

======================

I woke early, having slept soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my
gratuitous drug use. Though I was well rested, I slipped right back into
the same hectic frenzy from the night before. I dressed in a rush,
smoothing my collar against my neck, fidgeting with the tan sweater till
it hung right over my jeans. I sneaked a swift look out the window to see
that Charlie was already gone. A thin, cottony layer of clouds veiled the
sky. They didn't look very lasting.

I ate breakfast without tasting the food, hurrying to clean up when I was
done. I peeked out the window again, but nothing had changed. I had just
finished brushing my teeth and was heading back downstairs when a quiet
knock sent my heart thudding against my rib cage.

I flew to the door; I had a little trouble with the ** dead bolt, but
I yanked the door open at last, and there he was. All the agitation
dissolved as soon as I looked at his face, calm taking its place. I
breathed a sigh of relief — yesterday's fears seemed very foolish with
him here.

He wasn't smiling at first — his face was somber. But then his expression
lightened as he looked me over, and he laughed.

"Good morning," he chuckled.

"What's wrong?" I glanced down to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything
important, like shoes, or pants.

"We match." He laughed again. I realized he had a long, light tan sweater
on, with a white collar showing underneath, and blue jeans. I laughed
with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret — why did he have to look like
a runway model when I couldn't?

I locked the door behind me while he walked to the truck. He waited by
the passenger door with a martyred expression that was easy to understand.

"We made a deal," I reminded him smugly, climbing into the driver's seat,
and reaching over to unlock his door.

阿汤哥

“去哪儿？”我问道。

“系上你的安全带——我已经开始紧张了。”

我狠狠地瞪了他一眼，这才顺从了他的命令。

“去哪儿？”我叹了口气，重复道。

“开上北边的101国道。”他下令道。

当我感觉他在注视着我的脸的时候，要把注意力集中在路况上是一件困难得惊人的事。我只得比平常还要小心地驾驶，穿过这座仍在沉睡的城镇。

“你打算在傍晚以前把车开出福克斯吗？”

“这车老得能当你那辆车的爷爷了——对它尊重一点。”我回嘴道。

与他消极的估计相反，我们很快便开出了小镇的范围。浓密的灌木丛和覆满藤蔓的树干取代了草坪和房屋。

“右转开上110国道。”我正要开口问，他指点道。我沉默地服从了。

“现在一直开到公路尽头。”

我能听到他声音里的笑意，但我害怕开出公路，刚好证明他的担心是对的，所以没敢看过去确认一下。

“那里有什么，在公路的尽头？”我想知道。


=========================

"Where to?" I asked.

"Put your seat belt on — I'm nervous already."

I gave him a dirty look as I complied.

"Where to?" I repeated with a sigh.

"Take the one-oh-one north," he ordered.

It was surprisingly difficult to concentrate on the road while feeling
his gaze on my face. I compensated by driving more carefully than usual
through the still-sleeping town.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?"

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather — have some
respect," I retorted.

We were soon out of the town limits, despite his negativity. Thick
underbrush and green-swathed trunks replaced the lawns and houses.

"Turn right on the one-ten," he instructed just as I was about to ask. I
obeyed silently.

"Now we drive until the pavement ends."

I could hear a smile in his voice, but I was too afraid of driving off
the road and proving him right to look over and be sure.

"And what's there, at the pavement's end?" I wondered.

阿汤哥

“一条小路。”

“我们要走过去？”谢天谢地，我穿的是网球鞋。

“那是个问题吗？”他听起来像是已经预料到了。

“不。”我努力让这个谎言听起来可信些。但如果他觉得我的卡车太慢……

“别担心，那条小路只有五英里长，或者差不多，而且我们不赶时间。”
五英里。我没有回答，这样他就不会听到我因为恐惧而破碎的声音。五英里布满阴险的树根和松散的石头的小路，正阴谋着让我扭伤脚踝，或者用别的方式让我报废。这将是一次丢脸的旅途。

我思索着即将到来的惨剧，我们在沉默中开了一会儿车。

“你在想什么？”许久以后，他不耐烦地问道。

我又一次撒了谎：“只是想知道我们要去哪里？”

“那是天气好时我喜欢去的地方。”他说完后，我们都看出窗外，看着那片越来越稀薄的云层。

“查理说今天会很暖和。”

“你告诉查理你要做什么了吗？”他问道。

“没有。”

“但杰西卡认为我们会一起去西雅图？”他似乎对这念头很是高兴。

“不，我告诉她你取消了，不和我一起去——这是事实。”

===============================

"A trail."

"We're hiking?" Thank goodness I'd worn tennis shoes.

"Is that a problem?" He sounded as if he'd expected as much.

"No." I tried to make the lie sound confident. But if he thought my truck
was slow…

"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry."

Five miles. I didn't answer, so that he wouldn't hear my voice crack in
panic. Five miles of treacherous roots and loose stones, trying to twist
my ankles or otherwise incapacitate me. This was going to be humiliating.

We drove in silence for a while as I contemplated the coming horror.

"What are you thinking?" he asked impatiently after a few moments.

I lied again. "Just wondering where we're going."

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice." We both glanced out
the windows at the thinning clouds after he spoke.

"Charlie said it would be warm today."

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" he asked.

"Nope."

"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" He seemed cheered
by the idea.

"No, I told her you canceled on me — which is true."

阿汤哥

“没人知道你和我在一起？”现在，生气了。

“那得看情况……我以为你告诉了爱丽丝？”

“那确实很有帮助，贝拉。”他吼道。

我假装没听见。

“难道你对福克斯如此绝望以致想要自寻死路吗？”当我不理会他时，他诘问道。

“你说过这会给你带来麻烦……如果我们公开地在一起。”我提醒他。

“所以你担心这会给我带来麻烦——如果你没有回家的话？”他的语气依然很愤怒，还有让人刺痛的讽刺。

我点点头，继续看着前方的路面。

他用几不可闻地声音喃喃低语着，他说得太快了，我根本没听懂。

余下的旅程里我们都沉默了。我能感觉到那股激怒的非难依然席卷着他，但我想不出能说点什么。

然后，这条路到了尽头，缩减成一条窄窄的无数足迹踩踏出的小路，路旁立着一个小小的木头标志。我把车停在狭窄的路肩上，走下车，害怕他还在生我的气，而我再也不能把开车当作不去看他的借口了。现在很暖和，甚至比我来福克斯以后最暖的那一天还要温暖，在云层的笼罩下几乎有些闷热了。我脱下了毛衣，把它系在我的腰间，很高兴自己穿了一件浅色的无袖衫——尤其在有五英里的徒步跋涉在前头等着我的时候。

我听到他的门关上了，我看过去，看见他也在脱他的毛衣。他背对着我，面朝着我的卡车后的绵延不绝的森林。
=============================

"No one knows you're with me?" Angrily, now.

"That depends… I assume you told Alice?"

"That's very helpful, Bella," he snapped.

I pretended I didn't hear that.

"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" he demanded
when I ignored him.

"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," I
reminded him.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me— if you don't come
home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.

I nodded, keeping my eyes on the road.

He muttered something under his breath, speaking so quickly that I
couldn't understand.

We were silent for the rest of the drive. I could feel the waves of
infuriated disapproval rolling off of him, and I could think of nothing
to say.

And then the road ended, constricting to a thin foot trail with a small
wooden marker. I parked on the narrow shoulder and stepped out, afraid
because he was angry with me and I didn't have driving as an excuse not
to look at him. It was warm now, warmer than it had been in Forks since
the day I'd arrived, almost muggy under the clouds. I pulled off my
sweater and knotted it around my waist, glad that I'd worn the light,
sleeveless shirt — especially if I had five miles of hiking ahead of me.

I heard his door slam, and looked over to see that he'd removed his
sweater, too. He was facing away from me, into the unbroken forest beside
my truck.

阿汤哥

“这边。”他说着，越过肩膀看着我，眼神依然很气恼。他开始向黑暗的森林走去。

“这条小路呢？”恐惧在我的语气里清晰可见，我赶紧绕过卡车跟上他。

“我只是说路的尽头有一条小路，没说我们要走那条小路。”

“没有小路？”我挣扎着问道。

“我不会让你迷路的。”他这才转过身来，露出一个嘲弄的笑容，我抑制住一声喘息。他那件白色衬衫没有袖子，也没有扣上扣子，所以那片光洁雪白的肌肤从他的喉咙一路绵延到他那大理石般的胸廓。他完美的肌肉不再欲盖弥彰地隐藏在衣服下。他太完美了，我感到一阵锥心的绝望。这毫无道理，这样宛如神明的人物不可能属于我。

他注视着我，对我脸上备受折磨的神情困惑不已。

“你想回家了吗？”他安静地问道，一种不同于我的痛苦浸透了他的语气。

“不。”我走向前，直到自己紧挨在他身旁。我焦虑不安着，不想再浪费我还能和他在一起的每一秒钟。

“怎么回事？”他问道，声音是那么的温柔。

“我不是个很好的徒步旅行者。”我沉闷地回答道。“你得非常有耐心才行。”

“我可以很有耐心——如果我努力的话。”他微笑着，抓住了我的视线，试图把我从那阵突如其来的，无法解释的沮丧中拉出来。

我努力向他微笑，但那笑容太假了。他仔细审视着我的脸。

==========================

"This way," he said, glancing over his shoulder at me, eyes still
annoyed. He started into the dark forest.

"The trail?" Panic was clear in my voice as I hurried around the truck to
catch up to him.

"I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking
it."

"No trail?" I asked desperately.

"I won't let you get lost." He turned then, with a mocking smile, and I
stifled a gasp. His white shirt was sleeveless, and he wore it
unbuttoned, so that the smooth white skin of his throat flowed
uninterrupted over the marble contours of his chest, his perfect
musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes. He was
too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way
this godlike creature could be meant for me.

He stared at me, bewildered by my tortured expression.

"Do you want to go home?" he said quietly, a different pain than mine
saturating his voice.

"No." I walked forward till I was close beside him, anxious not to waste
one second of whatever time I might have with him.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice gentle.

"I'm not a good hiker," I answered dully. "You'll have to be very
patient."

"I can be patient — if I make a great effort." He smiled, holding my
glance, trying to lift me out of my sudden, unexplained dejection.

I tried to smile back, but the smile was unconvincing. He scrutinized my
face.

阿汤哥

“我会带你回家的。”他保证道。我说不清这个保证是没有限制的，还是指立刻离开。我知道他认为是害怕让我紧张不安。而我又一次对此感到高兴，我是唯一一个他无法读心的人。

“如果你想让我在日落以前穿过这五英里的丛林，你最好现在就开始带路。”我尖刻地说道。他冲我皱起了眉，挣扎着想读懂我的语气和神情。

片刻之后，他放弃了，带头向森林里走去。
这趟旅程并没有我所畏惧的那样艰难。一路上几乎非常平坦，他为我把潮湿的蕨类植物和密布的苔藓拨到一边。当他笔直的路线穿过了倒下的树木或巨石时，他会帮助我，用手肘把我举起来，然后趁我还神志清醒的时候立刻放开我。他冰冷的触碰落在我的肌肤上，总能让我的心砰砰乱跳，无一落空。有两次，发生这样的状况时，我捕获到了他脸上的神情，我敢肯定他听见了。

我努力让自己的眼睛看向别处，尽可能地不去注意他的完美，但我还是常常偷瞄他。每一次，他的俊美都刺痛了我，带来一阵悲哀。

大多数时候，我们都沉默地走着。偶尔他会胡乱地提问，问一个在过去两天的审问里他没有问及的问题。他询问我的生日，我的小学老师，我童年时的宠物——而我不得不承认在一连养死了三条鱼以后，我放弃了整个计划。那时候他大笑起来，比我习惯的还有响亮——银铃般的回声在空荡荡的森林里回响着，回荡在我们身边。

这趟徒步旅行花掉了我几乎整个上午的时间，但他从未表现出半点不耐烦的迹象。这座森林在我们周围延伸成一座由古树构成的无尽的迷宫，我开始不安，生怕我们永远也无法再走出这座森林。他却悠然自得，轻松地走在这座绿色的迷宫里，丝毫不对我们的方向感到任何疑虑。

几个小时以后，渗入森林里的来自树庐穹顶的阳光开始发生了改变，由阴郁的黄绿色调变为一种更为明亮的翡翠色。天空一定转晴了，就像他之前说过的那样。在我们进入了森林以后，我头一次感到一阵兴奋的颤栗——但很快就变成了不耐烦。

“我们到了吗？”我嘲弄道，假装沉下了脸。

=============================

"I'll take you home," he promised. I couldn't tell if the promise was
unconditional, or restricted to an immediate departure. I knew he thought
it was fear that upset me, and I was grateful again that I was the one
person whose mind he couldn't hear.

"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown,
you'd better start leading the way," I said acidly. He frowned at me,
struggling to understand my tone and expression.

He gave up after a moment and led the way into the forest.

It wasn't as hard as I had feared. The way was mostly flat, and he held
the damp ferns and webs of moss aside for me. When his straight path took
us over fallen trees or boulders, he would help me, lifting me by the
elbow, and then releasing me instantly when I was clear. His cold touch
on my skin never failed to make my heart thud erratically. Twice, when
that happened, I caught a look on his face that made me sure he could
somehow hear it.

I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but
I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.

For the most part, we walked in silence. Occasionally he would ask a
random question that he hadn't gotten to in the past two days of
interrogation. He asked about my birthdays, my grade school teachers, my
childhood pets — and I had to admit that after killing three fish in a
row, I'd given up on the whole institution. He laughed at that, louder
than I was used to — bell-like echoes bouncing back to us from the empty
woods.

The hike took me most of the morning, but he never showed any sign of
impatience. The forest spread out around us in a boundless labyrinth of
ancient trees, and I began to be nervous that we would never find our way
out again. He was perfectly at ease, comfortable in the green maze, never
seeming to feel any doubt about our direction.

After several hours, the light that filtered through the canopy
transformed, the murky olive tone shifting to a brighter jade. The day
had turned sunny, just as he'd foretold. For the first time since we'd
entered the woods, I felt a thrill of excitement — which quickly turned
to impatience.

"Are we there yet?" I teased, pretending to scowl.

阿汤哥

“差不多。”看到我心情的改变，他笑了起来。“你看见前头的光亮了吗？”
我凝望着浓密的丛林。“呃，我应该看到了吗？”
他坏笑起来。“也许对你的眼睛来说早了点。”
“该去检查视力了。”我喃喃低语道。他的坏笑更明显了。
但随后，在又走了一百码以后，我确实看见了树林前头的一片光亮，一片明黄的光辉而非绿色。我加快了脚步，每踏出一步，我的渴望就增长一分。现在他让我走在前面，无声地跟着我。
我走到了那一片光亮的边缘，踏过最后一片蕨类植物，走进了我所见过的最可爱的地方。这片草地很小，几乎是圆形的，开满了野花——紫的，黄的，还有柔和的白色。我能听见不远处，一条奔流不息的溪水欢快的歌声。太阳正在头顶上直直地照射下来，用一种薄雾般的奶油色的阳光填满了这一圈空地。我慢慢地走着，惊奇不已，穿过柔软的芳草，摇曳的花朵，还有温暖的，染成了金色的空气。中途我转过身，想和他分享这一切，但他并没有在我身后，没有在我以为他在的地方。我原地旋转着，寻找着他的身影，一阵突然的恐惧袭击了我。最终我找到了他，他依然站在树庐浓重的阴影下，在这片洼处的边缘，用谨慎的目光看着我。这时我才想起来，这片草地的美丽完全被赶出了我的脑海——爱德华与阳光之谜，他曾经保证过，要在今天向我阐明的。
我向他走了一步，我的眼睛被好奇点亮了。他的眼神很谨慎，显得很不情愿。我鼓励地微笑着，向他招手示意，正要向他再走一步。他警告地举起了一只手，我犹豫了，退回了原处。
爱德华似乎深吸了一口气，然后他走出来，走到正午明亮的阳光下。

===========================


"Nearly." He smiled at the change in my mood. "Do you see the brightness
ahead?"
I peered into the thick forest. "Um, should I?"
He smirked. "Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes."
"Time to visit the optometrist," I muttered. His smirk grew more
pronounced.
But then, after another hundred yards, I could definitely see a
lightening in the trees ahead, a glow that was yellow instead of green. I
picked up the pace, my eagerness growing with every step. He let me lead
now, following noiselessly.
I reached the edge of the pool of light and stepped through the last
fringe of ferns into the loveliest place I had ever seen. The meadow was
small, perfectly round, and filled with wildflowers — violet, yellow, and
soft white. Somewhere nearby, I could hear the bubbling music of a
stream. The sun was directly overhead, filling the circle with a haze of
buttery sunshine. I walked slowly, awestruck, through the soft grass,
swaying flowers, and warm, gilded air. I halfway turned, wanting to share
this with him, but he wasn't behind me where I thought he'd be. I spun
around, searching for him with sudden alarm. Finally I spotted him, still
under the dense shade of the canopy at the edge of the hollow, watching
me with cautious eyes. Only then did I remember what the beauty of the
meadow had driven from my mind — the enigma of Edward and the sun, which
he'd promised to illustrate for me today.
I took a step back toward him, my eyes alight with curiosity. His eyes
were wary, reluctant. I smiled encouragingly and beckoned to him with my
hand, taking another step back to him. He held up a hand in warning, and
I hesitated, rocking back onto my heels.
Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the
bright glow of the midday sun.

END

阿汤哥

第十三章 自白

阳光下的爱德华太惊人了，我还是没能习惯这件事，尽管整个下午我都在盯着他看。他的肌肤，雪白中带着昨天的狩猎之旅带来的淡淡红晕，简直在闪闪发光，就好像有千万颗极小的钻石镶嵌在上面一样。他静静地躺在草地上，看上去是那么的完美，他的衬衫敞开着，露出宛如雕刻成的，光辉夺目的胸膛，他闪闪发光的手臂袒露着。他微微发着光的，淡紫色的眼睑紧闭着，但是，当然他不可能是在睡觉。他就像一座完美的雕像，是用某种未知的，光滑如大理石，灿烂如水晶的石头雕刻而成的。

时不时地，他的嘴唇飞快地动着，仿佛是在颤抖。但是，当我问道的时候，他告诉他在哼着歌，因为声音太低了所以我听不见。

我同样在享受着阳光，尽管就我的品位而言，这里的空气还不够干爽。我本可以仰躺着，就像他那样，让阳光温暖着我的脸，但我还是蜷伏着躺在那里，下巴紧贴着我的膝盖，不情愿让自己的目光从他身上移开。风是那么的柔和，它吹乱了我的头发，吹皱了小草，摇曳的芳草围着他静止不动的身躯。

这片草地起初对我来说是那么的壮丽，但和他的华美比起来，便逊色多了。

我迟疑着，即使是现在，我也总是担心着，生怕他会像海市蜃楼一样消失，他太美丽了，根本不像现实存在的……我迟疑着伸出了一根手指，轻抚着近在咫尺的，他闪烁着微光的手背。我又一次震惊于那完美的肌理，光洁如绸缎，冰冷如石头。当我再次抬头看去时，他的眼睛睁开了，正看着我。今天他的眼睛是奶油糖果的颜色，在狩猎以后，变得更明亮，更温暖了。一抹轻快的笑容浮现在他毫无瑕疵的唇角。

“我没吓到你吗？”他打趣地问道，但我能听出他柔软的声音里真正的好奇。

“不比平常多。”

他笑得更深了，他的皓齿在阳光下闪闪发光。

=====================

13. CONFESSIONS

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though
I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint
flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands
of tiny diamonds were embedded in the su**ce. He lay perfectly still in
the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his
scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut,
though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some
unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were
trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it
was too low for me to hear.

I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn't quite dry enough for my
taste. I would have liked to lie back, as he did, and let the sun warm my
face. But I stayed curled up, my chin resting on my knees, unwilling to
take my eyes off him. The wind was gentle; it tangled my hair and ruffled
the grass that swayed around his motionless form.

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a
mirage, too beautiful to be real… hesitantly, I reached out one finger
and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my
reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as
stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me.
Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned
up the corners of his flawless lips.

"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real
curiosity in his soft voice.

"No more than usual."

He smiled wider; his teeth flashed in the sun.

阿汤哥

我缓缓地挪到更近的地方，张开手伸过去，用指尖描摹着他小臂的轮廓。我看见自己的手指在颤抖着，知道这一切都逃不过他的注意。

“你介意吗？”我问道，因为他又闭上了眼睛。

“不。”他说着，没有睁开眼。“你不会想象到这是什么样的感觉。”他叹息着。

我轻柔地用手抚过他手臂上完美的肌肉，跟随着他肘弯上浅浅的淡蓝色静脉的纹路。我伸出另一只手，想把他的手掌翻过来。他意识到了我想做什么，立刻把掌心翻过来，动作快得看不见，简直让人仓皇失措。他的动作让我吓了一跳，我的手指在他手臂上停滞了片刻、

“对不起。”他低声说道。我立刻抬起头，看到他金色的眼睛又闭上了。“和你在一起让我很放松，很容易做回我自己。”

我拿起他的手，向自己翻过来，这样我就能看见阳光在他手心里闪烁着。我把他的手拿得更靠近自己的脸，试图看清楚藏在他肌肤里的刻面。

“告诉我你在想什么。”他耳语道。我抬起头，看见他正看着我，眼神忽然紧绷起来。“这对我来说很是很奇怪，没办法知道你在想什么。”

“你知道，除你之外的我们所有人始终都是这样，不会知道别人在想什么。”

“这是一种艰难的生活。”他语气里的悔意是我自己想象出来的吗？“但你不告诉我。”

“我只是在希望着我能知道你在想什么……”我迟疑着。

“还有呢？”

“我在希望着我能相信你是真实存在的。我还希望我不是在害怕。”

=============================

I inched closer, stretched out my whole hand now to trace the contours of
his forearm with my fingertips. I saw that my fingers trembled, and knew
it wouldn't escape his notice.

"Do you mind?" I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.

"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that
feels." He sighed.

I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed
the faint pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow. With my
other hand, I reached to turn his hand over. Realizing what I wished, he
flipped his palm up in one of those blindingly fast, disconcerting
movements of his. It startled me; my fingers froze on his arm for a brief
second.

"Sorry," he murmured. I looked up in time to see his golden eyes close
again. "It's too easy to be myself with you."

I lifted his hand, turning it this way and that as I watched the sun
glitter on his palm. I held it closer to my face, trying to see the
hidden facets in his skin.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he whispered. I looked to see his eyes
watching me, suddenly intent. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."

"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."

"It's a hard life." Did I imagine the hint of regret in his tone? "But
you didn't tell me."

"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…" I hesitated.

"And?"

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing
that I wasn't afraid."

阿汤哥

“我不想让你害怕。”他的声音仅仅是一种柔和的喃喃低语。我听出了他无法深信不疑地说出口的事情——我不必感到害怕，这里没有什么可怕的。
“嗯，我并没有感到确切的害怕，尽管这确实是要思考的事。”

他的动作太快了，我完全没看见他移动。他半坐起来，用右臂支撑着身体，他的左手掌依然在我的手里。他天使般的面孔离我的脸只有几英寸远。我本可能——本应该——因为他出乎意料的接近而退缩的，但我没法移动。他金色的眸子催眠了我。

“那么，你在害怕着什么？”他专注地看着我，耳语道。

但我没有回答。就像之前我曾经试过一次那样，我闻到了他冰冷的呼吸，呼在我脸上。甜腻，美味，这种香味让我口齿生津。它不像别的任何味道。我本能地，不假思索地靠得更近些，轻嗅着。

然后他消失了，他的手从我的手中挣脱出来。当我凝眸望去的时候，他已在二十英尺外，站在这片小小的草地的边缘，在一棵巨大的杉树的浓重的树荫里。他注视着我，他的眼睛在阴影里暗沉着，他的表情难以读懂。

我能感到自己脸上的痛楚和震惊。我空空的手心刺痛着。

“我……很抱歉……爱德华。”我低声说着。我知道他能听见。

“给我一点时间。”他喊道，声量仅仅是我敏感的耳朵刚能听到的程度。我一动不动地坐着。

在漫长得难以置信的十分钟以后，他用对他来说相当缓慢的速度走过来。他停在了在几英尺外的地方，优雅地坐到了地上，盘起腿。他的目光从未离开过我的眼睛。他做了两次深呼吸。然后满怀歉意地笑了。

“我非常抱歉。”他迟疑道。“如果我说我也只是个人类，你能明白我的意思吗？”
============================

"I don't want you to be afraid." His voice was just a soft murmur. I
heard what he couldn't truthfully say, that I didn't need to be afraid,
that there was nothing to fear.

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly
something to think about."

So quickly that I missed his movement, he was half sitting, propped up on
his right arm, his left palm still in my hands. His angel's face was only
a few inches from mine. I might have — should have — flinched away from
his unexpected closeness, but I was unable to move. His golden eyes
mesmerized me.

"What are you afraid of, then?" he whispered intently.

But I couldn't answer. As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool
breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It
was unlike anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer,
inhaling.

And he was gone, his hand ripped from mine. In the time it took my eyes
to focus, he was twenty feet away, standing at the edge of the small
meadow, in the deep shade of a huge fir tree. He stared at me, his eyes
dark in the shadows, his expression unreadable.

I could feel the hurt and shock on my face. My empty hands stung.

"I'm… sorry… Edward," I whispered. I knew he could hear.

"Give me a moment," he called, just loud enough for my less sensitive
ears. I sat very still.

After ten incredibly long seconds, he walked back, slowly for him. He
stopped, still several feet away, and sank gracefully to the ground,
crossing his legs. His eyes never left mine. He took two deep breaths,
and then smiled in apology.

"I am so very sorry." He hesitated. "Would you understand what I meant if
I said I was only human?"

阿汤哥

我点了点头，没法对他的笑话微笑。作为一种对危险的响应，肾上腺素在我的血管里奔涌着，但也在慢慢地平息下来。他能从他坐着的地方闻到这一切。他的笑容变得嘲讽起来。

“我是这个世界上最棒的掠食者，不是吗？我的一切都在邀请着你——我的声音，我的容貌，甚至是我的气味。就好像我需要这些一样！”出人意料的是，他站起来跳开了，立刻消失在我的眼前，然后出现在之前的同一棵树下。他在半秒钟内就绕了这片空地一圈。

“就好像你能从我身旁逃脱。”他痛苦地大笑着。

他伸出一只手，然后随着一声震耳欲聋的爆裂声，他毫不费力地从那棵云杉的树干上扯下一根直径达两英尺的树枝。他单手把它举了片刻，然后把它扔出去，速度快得看不见。那根树枝在另一棵巨树上砸得粉碎，砸得那棵巨树一阵震动，带起一阵颤动的风。

然后他又出现在了我面前，站在两英尺外的地方，安静得像一块石头。

“就好像你能把我击退。”他温柔地说道。

我一动不动地坐在那里，被他吓到了，比我曾经体会过的还要更害怕。我从没见过他如此彻底地从那张小心翼翼的，有教养的假面具下解放出来。他从未像现在这样，更不像人类……或者更加美丽。我的脸色发灰，眼睛睁大了，我坐在那里，就像一只被蛇的目光锁住了小鸟。

他可爱的眼睛似乎因为一阵鲁莽的兴奋而闪闪发光。然后，随着时间一分一秒地过去，它们黯淡下来。他的表情慢慢地变成了一个写满了古老的悲伤的面具。

“别害怕。”他喃喃低语道，他天鹅绒般的声音充满了无心的诱惑。“我保证……”他犹豫了一下。“我发誓我不会伤害你的。”他不止是在说服我，他似乎更想让他自己坚信这一点。
“别害怕。”他又一次低声耳语道，走得更近些，步子缓慢得夸张。他弯曲着身子坐下来，故意让动作显得从容不迫，直到我们脸在同一水平线上，只有一步之遥。

========================

I nodded once, not quite able to smile at his joke. Adrenaline pulsed
through my veins as the realization of danger slowly sank in. He could
smell that from where he sat. His smile turned mocking.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you
in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"
Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight,
only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow
in half a second.

"As if you could outrun me," he laughed bitterly.

He reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly
ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced
it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed,
shattering it against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the
blow.

And he was in front of me again, standing two feet away, still as a stone.

"As if you could fight me off," he said gently.

I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been. I'd
never seen him so completely freed of that carefully cultivated facade.
He'd never been less human… or more beautiful. Face ashen, eyes wide, I
sat like a bird locked in the eyes of a snake.

His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds
passed, they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient
sadness.

"Don't be afraid," he murmured, his velvet voice unintentionally
seductive. "I promise…" He hesitated. "I swear not to hurt you." He
seemed more concerned with convincing himself than me.

"Don't be afraid," he whispered again as he stepped closer, with
exaggerated slowness. He sat sinuously, with deliberately unhurried
movements, till our faces were on the same level, just a foot apart.

阿汤哥

“请原谅我。”他用正式的语气说道。“我能控制住自己了。你碰巧赶上了我失去警戒。但现在我非常规矩。”

他等待着，但我还是没法说话。

“不瞒你说，我今天不渴。”他眨了眨眼。

对此我不得不大笑起来，但我的声音很虚弱，几乎透不过气来。

“你还好吗？”他体贴地问道，慢慢地伸出手，小心地，把他宛如大理石般的手放到我手中。

我看着他光洁冰冷的手，然后看向他的眼睛。它们是那么的温和，充满了悔意。我看回他的手，然后不慌不忙地让我的指尖回到他手上，轻描着他掌心的线条。我抬起头，羞怯地笑了。

他报以一笑，那笑容是那么的耀眼。

“那么我们说到哪里了，在我表现得这么粗鲁以前？”他用上个世纪早期的那种文雅的韵律问道。

“不瞒你说，我不记得了。”

他微笑着，但他的神情有些羞愧。“我想我们正谈到你为什么会害怕，在那些显而易见的原因之外。”

“哦，没错。”

“嗯。”

我低下头，看着他的手，漫无目的地在他光洁的，如彩虹般绚丽的掌心里涂鸦着。时间一分一秒地过去了。
====================

"Please forgive me," he said formally. "I can control myself. You caught
me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now."

He waited, but I still couldn't speak.

"I'm not thirsty today, honestly." He winked.

At that I had to laugh, though the sound was shaky and breathless.

"Are you all right?" he asked tenderly, reaching out slowly, carefully,
to place his marble hand back in mine.

I looked at his smooth, cold hand, and then at his eyes. They were soft,
repentant. I looked back at his hand, and then deliberately returned to
tracing the lines in his hand with my fingertip. I looked up and smiled
timidly.

His answering smile was dazzling.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" he asked in the gentle
cadences of an earlier century.

"I honestly can't remember."

He smiled, but his face was ashamed. "I think we were talking about why
you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."

"Oh, right."

"Well?"

I looked down at his hand and doodled aimlessly across his smooth,
iridescent palm. The seconds ticked by.

阿汤哥

“我总是那么容易感到沮丧。”他叹息着说。我看进他的眼睛里，意外地领悟到，这一刻每一点每一滴对他来说都是新的，正如对我一样。即使他拥有着这么多年来深不可测的经历，这对他来说，也很艰难。我从这个念头中得到了勇气。

“我很害怕……因为，出于，嗯，显而易见的原因，我不能和你在一起。而我害怕的是，我很想和你在一起，这种愿望甚至远比我应有的还要强烈。”我说着，低下头看着他的手。对我来说，这样大声地说出口实在很困难。

“是的。”他缓慢地赞同道。“这是应该害怕的事，确实。想要和我在一起。这实在不应该成为你最大的兴趣。”

我皱起眉。

“我应该很久以前就离开的。”他叹息着。“我应该现在就离开。但我不知道我能不能做到。”

“我不想让你离开。”我悲伤地咬着唇说道，又一次低下了头。

“这正是我应该离开的原因。但别担心。我本来就是一个自私的家伙。我太渴望得到你的陪伴了，甚至没办法去做我应该做的事。”

“我很高兴。”

“别这样！”他抽回了他的手，这一次更温柔些。他的声音比平常要刺耳得多。相对他而言是刺耳，但还是比任何人类的声音都要美丽。我很难跟上他的步调——他突如其来的心情变化总把我抛在一步之外，让我独自彷徨。

“我渴望的可不止是你的陪伴！永远不要忘了这一点。永远不要忘记，我对你的危险性，远胜于我对其他任何人的威胁。”他停了下来，我看过去，只见他向森林里凝望着，却对一切视而不见。
==========================

"How easily frustrated I am," he sighed. I looked into his eyes, abruptly
grasping that this was every bit as new to him as it was to me. As many
years of unfathomable experience as he had, this was hard for him, too. I
took courage from that thought.

"I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with
you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I
should." I looked down at his hands as I spoke. It was difficult for me
to say this aloud.

"Yes," he agreed slowly. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed.
Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

I frowned.

"I should have left long ago," he sighed. "I should leave now. But I
don't know if I can."

"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.

"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a
selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad."

"Don't be!" He withdrew his hand, more gently this time; his voice was
harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human
voice. It was hard to keep up — his sudden mood changes left me always a
step behind, dazed.

"It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am
more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." He stopped, and I looked
to see him gazing unseeingly into the forest.

阿汤哥

我思索了片刻。

“我不认为我确切地明白了你的意思——最后的那个部分。”我说道。

他回过头来，看着我，笑了。他的心情又变了。

“我要怎么解释呢？”他若有所思地说着。“不能再吓到你了……呃嗯。”不假思索地，他把手放回了我手里，我用双手紧紧地握住他的手。他看着我们的手。

“这种感觉愉快得惊人，这种温暖。”他叹息着说。

片刻之后，他整理好了自己的思路。

“你知道每个人喜欢不同的味道是怎么一回事？”他开始了。“有些人喜欢巧克力口味的冰淇淋，另一些人则更喜欢草莓？”

我点点头。

“很抱歉要用食物来分析——我想不出别的方法来解释。”

我微笑着。他报以悲惨的一笑。

“你看，每个人闻起来都不一样，有着不同的本质。如果你把一个酒鬼锁在一间放满坏掉的啤酒的屋子里，他会很想喝酒。但他能忍住，如果他愿意的话，如果他是一个改过自新的前酒鬼。现在，假设你在房间里放上一杯百年白兰地，最宝贵的，最好的科涅克白兰地——让整个屋子里都弥漫着它温暖的芳香——你想他接下来会怎么做呢？”
我们沉默地坐着，看着彼此的眼睛——努力想要看懂对方的想法。

他首先打破了沉默。

==================================

I thought for a moment.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean — by that last part
anyway," I said.

He looked back at me and smiled, his mood shifting yet again.

"How do I explain?" he mused. "And without frightening you again… hmmmm."
Without seeming to think about it, he placed his hand back in mine; I
held it tightly in both of mine. He looked at our hands.

"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth." He sighed.

A moment passed as he assembled his thoughts.
"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" he began. "Some people
love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

I nodded.

"Sorry about the food analogy — I couldn't think of another way to
explain."

I smiled. He smiled ruefully back.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you
locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it.
But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic.
Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy,
the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how
do you think he would fare then?"

We sat silently, looking into each other's eyes — trying to read each
other's thoughts.

He broke the silence first.