Reading and Learning

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To remember the past Father's day yesterday......

5 Ways to Make Father's Day Special
By Terri Isidro-Cloudas

Father's Day is traditionally a day of breakfast in bed and carefully selected (but hardly ever worn) ties. Whether it's his first or his fifth, what can you do to make this Father's Day special? We've asked dads what would really make Father's Day great, and here's what they told us:

1. Eliminate the pressure. What Dad wants most is to have a day free from any pressure. Even the pressure of having a "perfect day." Dad would really appreciate no deadlines, no hassles, no chores, no having to fix anything, and no rushing about on this special day. Let him can really relax so he can enjoy his second wish...

2. Spend time together. Enjoying each other's company as a family in relative harmony seems simple. But it's so easy to get sidetracked from your time together when you get caught up in cooking, taking a quick run to the store, or the temptation to finish up a project. Get away from the house if you must, but take this day to focus on spending time together as a family. Go for a walk, have a picnic, lie in a hammock together, share stories and dreams together. Now that's a day Dad will really remember!

3. Make romance. Father's Day is not just a day to celebrate Dad as provider and caregiver for the children. It's a day to honor your partner as your lover and friend. Make him feel special by telling him how much he means to you, dressing up for him, treating him to a massage. Give him a sexy surprise in the morning or steal a few moments during the day to show him how much you love him.

4. Focus on him. Instead of planning everything out for him, give him the gift of freedom and choice. Let him make decisions about what to do and how to spend the day. If he's a sports fan, accompany him to see a favorite team play. Is fishing his passion? Even if you're not so keen on bait, go along with him if he wants you to. If he wants a few hours to himself, indulge him. He deserves it!

5. Bring on the praise. Fathers want to be appreciated. Tell him how much you need him. Show him you feel by writing him a thank-you note detailing the ways he contributes to the family, how he gives moral and emotional support, what makes him a great parent and partner. If writing is not your forte, consider making a short family video for him, or making a big banner in his honor. You don't have to spend a lot of money on extravagant gifts; your gratitude and love are the greatest gifts you can give him this Father's Day.

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An interesting topic and discussion ......

The soul mate debate

Are you destined to find true love…or is true love simply hard work?

We all want to find that special someone with whom we share an intensely deep connection…that person we just know is the "one." We all want to find our Prince Charming.

But do you believe that somewhere out there, there is someone for everyone? Or do you believe that the soul-mate is just a myth fit for romantics unwilling to commit to the work of a relationship?

We spoke to three happily partnered women about how they each found their other half and, after everything, whether they believe in such a thing as a soul mate.

~~Continued~~

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1. Is there such a thing as a soul mate? No way, says a wife and mother who has been happily hitched for nearly 20 years.

My father, one of the least romantic men I've ever known, once told me, "On my very first date with your mother, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this might be it." I understood what he was trying to describe -- the knowledge that he'd found his "other," his soul mate, the person he knew with utter, overwhelming certainty was meant for him.

God, that sounded good to me. I waited years for that feeling. It never came.

That may sound odd, given that I've been with the same man for nearly two decades and that when I met him, he was everything I wanted.

I was a cynical single gal that summer, sick to death of boy-girl games and dates with men so emotionally alien that I could have used a translator. But being with Bill felt instantly comfortable, familiar. He had all the same books I did; he, too, was a writer who drank his Scotch straight and his coffee black. Talking to him felt like talking with one of my woman friends. And he was so generous and accepting in bed that my body opened to him without hesitation. "It's as if we knew each other in another life," we whispered.

Within two months, I'd promised to leave my beloved New York City behind and move to L.A. with him.

But sharing values, habits and even great sex doesn't keep you from clashing over the fact that a person doesn't like your friends, or from being convinced that moving to the opposite coast derailed your career. And the flip side of being with a lover who is just like you is that there are moments of deep yearning for a new perspective. Imagine waking up every day with someone who felt happy!

Out of such moments grow doubt -- the inner whispers that something is missing. For a long time, I listened to those whispers.

I don't any more. That's partly because of age, of seeing more than one set of 22-year-old soul mates turn into angry, miserable strangers by the time they reached 40. But mostly, I've come to realize that my failure to experience that "aha" moment of clarity about Bill isn't really about him. It's about me. At heart, I'm a compulsive second-guesser, the kind of person who always finds it easier to long for what I don't have than to rejoice in what I do.

A case in point: For years, all I wanted was to buy a house and settle down. But after we did, I couldn't stop scouring the local real estate ads -- I searched, overcome by an excited, sick feeling, for the one that got away. It's the same with love. I've always found it easiest to be passionate about men who are elusive, unavailable or half out the door.

I'll be honest: I'm sorry I never felt that "This is it!" lightening bolt. But Bill and I remain bound by the same shared ideas, values and habits that brought us together, as well as by a history and a child with my blue eyes and his golden hair. It's a connection that goes all the way to the soul -- even I can see it.

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2. This starry-eyed writer became a soul-mate believer after she met her husband.

I didn't always think that two people could be soul mates. You might say I believed in work instead, as in, Don't all relationships require work? Couldn't I get along with almost anyone if I worked hard enough, if I made enough sacrifices, if I put enough of myself on the back burner for a while?

That's what I did for years before I met the man I would eventually marry. Soul mates, it seemed to me, were for dreamier girls with Cinderella complexes who lacked the gritty determination to hammer their relationships into shape. Little did I know, as I labored, that I would stumble onto a soul mate myself.

Not that meeting the partner of one's dreams takes the place of good old-fashioned hard work. For instance, after the stomach-flipping bliss of those first few months with my husband, along came the tougher stuff: my learning that his occasional silences were best left unquestioned; his coming to understand that when I say I'm hungry, I can't wait another 10 minutes to eat. But beneath our sometimes clumsy dances lay something else, something surprising. Sure, we were attracted to each other. Yes, we both loved books and writing. But what startled me was the sense that we had always known each other. There was an instinctive kinship between us that had nothing to do with sex or dating or even love.

A soul mate, I've discovered, is a person with whom you can communicate on the deepest level -- beyond words, beyond our clothing and imperfect bodies, regardless of time and age and the awkward agreements we reach. And when you meet someone who warms to what's buried beneath your surface, who sees and celebrates the essence of who you are without your having to explain it over soggy breakfasts and late-night negotiations, you have found a soul mate.

Of course, not everyone marries that person. Some of us, if we're lucky, have a great marriage and find a soul mate on the side: a friend at work, say, or someone we encounter online. Soul mates don't have to be about sex or marriage. The soul doesn't care about all that stuff, about a person's taste in restaurants or flossing habits or ability to argue a point. All it wants -- whether we owners know it or not -- is the company of other like-minded souls.

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3. You can find a soul mate wherever you look.

I used to think that finding a soul mate was finding my "other half" -- a person who would reflect my thoughts, my desires, who would satisfy all of my emotional needs. I wanted him to do for me what I couldn't do for myself. This notion led to a multitude of disappointments. Although the man who became my husband certainly wanted me to be happy, he couldn't come close to accomplishing the enormous task I had set out for him. What I really wanted, it turns out, was a soul slave, not a soul mate.

Either I had made the wrong choice in a husband, or I needed to figure out how to be with the one I'd opted for, which meant I had to find a way to get my needs satisfied. I took the latter route.

Now I know that you can find soul mates wherever you look for them. But first, you have to abandon the idea that there is only one soul mate in the world for every person. Strapping yourself to that idea is like wearing the first pair of shoes you ever really loved for the rest of your life. Yes, they're beautiful. Yes, they fit perfectly. But that doesn't mean you'll never wear another pair.

Eventually, those favorites will wear out from the strain of bearing your weight, day after day. Wouldn't both you and your shoes be happier if you had several pairs you loved -- each a bit differently perhaps -- but loved just the same?

My mate is only one of several people I consider to be a soul mate. I love each of these people deeply, but differently. For example, though the sexual aspect of my relationship with my husband is an integral part of our connection, the fact that my relationship with my pal Marilou is platonic in no way limits the intensity of our bond. And my old friend Neilson and I have relied on a shared playfulness that gets us through rough times and serves as a release valve when nothing else seems to work.

In all three of these relationships, I often know what the other is thinking. In the constellation of life's friendships, we are one another's most constant stars. What makes them burn so brightly? Love, loyalty, trust and the mutually understood intention that we will be ourselves, sharing what we're thinking and feeling, and recognizing and respecting our differences.

Reaching that soul-mate state with my husband was not instantaneous. Though we felt a compelling attraction when we first met, it took us years to get to know each other, and to establish what I now think of as the real beginning of our marriage: the mutual recognition of each other as "different" -- from one another, from everyone else, even from whom we originally thought we were. It was then that our deepest connection grew.

Do my relationships with Marilou and Neilson diminish my love for my husband? No. The more loved and loving I am with my other soul mates, the more loved and loving I am with my husband. Each reminds me how to practice my capacity for connection. And the better I get at that, the happier I am, alone and with all of the people I love.

枫叶之儒

[M29] [M29] [M36]

枫叶之儒

楼主上次那个帖好像还没完工哦，离石头已经很近了 [M05]

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HELP, Don't throw stone towards me! To me, stone means pressure. [M13]

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Await your chance, gather your courage and reveal your charm.


The Art of Small Talk

Deutsche Presse-Agentur, January 26, 2005

Munich, Germany--It sounds trivial, but in fact the art of making small talk has to be learned. People who are able to engage others effortlessly in conversation--even those they are not acquainted with--are at a considerable advantage.

At work, this ability can open doors that otherwise would have remained closed. The ability to chat without embarrassment is a valuable social skill.

Five minutes of unimportant conversation about the weather, the tailbacks on the motorway [backups on the freeway] or the fortunes of the local football team can provide the basis for more serious interaction.

"Unfortunately, small talk has a negative image," says Susanne Seitz, a Stuttgart psychologist, but she believes that chatting over unimportant matters is an ideal warm-up for the more intensive phase of any dialogue.

"Small talk means drawing attention to oneself and making as good an impression as possible," Seitz says.

"But it is a two-way street. One is at the same time checking out what makes one's interlocutor tick," she adds. The point is to find areas of mutual interest.

And in the professional sphere, the ability to make small talk is important. "Those who have mastered this art appear more approachable to colleagues and superiors," Seitz says.

Being ill-at-ease in this respect is a disadvantage. "When meeting the boss in the lift [elevator], one should try to initiate a conversation with him in a natural way, rather than falling into awkward silence," says Munich psychologist Stephan Lermer, who has made the study of small talk his specialty.

"Small talk helps to establish a basis of confidence, in particular when one does not know the person," says Frank Naumann, a Berlin psychologist specializing in communication. But he acknowledges that problems can crop up when initiating a conversation.

"At parties it is usually quite simple. One greets the other guests, introduces oneself, and then asks an introductory question," Naumann says.

Those answering with a curt "Yes" or "No" make themselves appear ill-at-ease, Naumann says. "Open questions that encourage others to tell something of themselves are much better," he adds.

There are rules with regard to small talk topics. "Launching into an attack on someone else is taboo," Lermer says. "That is seen as bad manners and seldom brings a positive response."

In general one should stick to positive themes for small talk, and if possible avoid highly controversial themes where there could be a strong difference of opinion.

"Disease is not a good theme," says Lermer, as initiating a conversation on illness often reduces many to silence in response.
Small-talk experts are against political topics for beginning a conversation with a relative stranger, as this too can force others to take up strongly differing opinions.

On the other hand, the weather is a handy theme, even though scarcely original. "Talking about the weather never strikes the wrong note, and everyone has something to say about it," Lerner says.

Naumann noted that it is one easy step from sunshine and wind conditions to travel and holidays. "Almost everyone has positive associations with this," he says.

Other useful topics are work, family and hobbies, while religion and personal problems are grouped with politics and illness as non-starters.

One German author has even compiled a list of small talk themes for the advanced, providing brief information on history, philosophy and the arts in a book aimed at managers who find themselves talking to strangers at meetings and conferences.

Not everyone can become adept at small talk. Some simply cannot think of anything, while others lack the necessary confidence. "But one can learn how to do it," says Seitz. "This is the case even with shy people."

Lermer recommends the "Three Cs": Await your chance, gather your courage and reveal your charm.

The psychologist recommends practicing at bus stops, theater foyers [lobbies] and queues [lines] at government offices.
"Smiling makes small talk much easier. Whoever has tried it a couple of times with success can build on this to reduce shyness," he says.

In the professional world, small talk can be used with a clear purpose in mind. Before an important meeting, one can try to find out about the person one will be talking to so that there is a topic ready to kick off the conversation.

"Having a topic ready that you know the other person is interested in helps to get going," Seityz says. "And chatting then helps to make the meeting more friendly and cordial," she says.

Naumann says someone initiating a conversation can quickly gauge whether attempts at making conversation are successful or not from the reaction of the other person. "If your interlocutor remains silent, then something is going badly wrong," he says.